Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Movie Review

Sorry Folks we've been away for a while. That's what happens when you work retail....you might as well kiss November and December goodbye. But I thought I would kick off 2010 with a review for a movie I recently struggled to sit through. I couldn't turn the channel because I deemed it as research. I lost two hours of my life for this; just FYI>>>

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

This movie was a pile of crap with a budget. The End. Really tho, it tried way too hard at being a campy rip of of the video game meets Lord of the Rings. First of all there is our hero Jason Statham playing a farmer named Farmer (yep) whos family gets kidnapped by some assholes that "sorta" look like Orcs. Then there's Burt Reynolds who has no emotion or presence in the film but is the king who's throne everyone is after (don't know why hehe.) Ray Liotta plays the evil wizard who is secretly planning to overthrow the king but mysteriously seems to be re-enacting his coked-out bits from Goodfellas. The guy who played Cereal Killer in Hackers (sorry can't remember his name cuz he's never been in anything huge) is the scheming Prince who is plotting with the wizard to bring down his dad, Burt. Even Ron Pearlman, who I think deserves his own set of badass jokes btw, jumps in as some old washed up guy that wanted to fight bad guys at some point in his life but ended up farming the coastal village with Mr. Statham. Oh and to add to the star-powered cast is the chick who was the third Terminator swings in (thats a pun, but you'll have to watch the movie) as a sexy-although-man-hating forest nymph.
Fuckin Weird right? Well that's just the beginning. The plot is equally intriguing. Farmer's village gets raided and his wife and son get assaulted by the wanna-be Orcs which Ray Liotta is controlling remotely via some smokey magic BS. Then he has to go on an ass kicking mission to find them. He manages to fight off a shitload of bad guys all with no armor and some fighting skills no Earthly farmer would posses. Along the way he finds out he is the long lost heir to the throne. He then reluctantly turns even more badass and kicks even more ass So (heres another pun:) after getting the book thrown at him wins the movie.
Mass more stuff happens that is mostly like Ms. Swan telling you the story so I tried to sum up. But if you enjoy a B movie every now and again, and you have some time to kill give 'er a shot. -P

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

You Do The Math

Read carefully and fill in the _X, Y, Z_. Post your answers in the comments

1.) Statham + World Series of Poker = The first recorded _X_ at a poker tournament if he loses.

2.) J.S. + IPhone = An app that will _X_ you if you tap the phone's _Y_ too hard.

3.) Transporter DVD + bottle of Aha Toro = You getting _X_ on the _Y_ tonight.

4.) 12 Ninjas + 4 Sumo Wrestlers = _X_ people that can't _Y_ Mr. Statham.

5.) Jason Statham + Audi R8 = Your _X_ bent over in the back seat getting _Y_'d.

6.) Handsome Rob + Your House = The _X_ Job.

7.) The World - Jason Statham = _X_ Women without a _Y_ to _Z_ about.

8.) _X_ * Jason Statham = the amount of _Y_ you will suffer if you _Z_ on his girlfriends.

9.) You / Statham = _X_ bloody pieces of you on the _Y_ after he's done _Z_ your ass.

10.) Ryu + Joe Pesci + Trogdor the Burninator + Thundar + Ichigo = A _X_ starring Jason Statham.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Statham 101

101 Crunches every morning to maintain that lobster belly abdominal bulging that all of the ladies seem to love so much.

101 Stink-Eyes to yourself in the mirror every day to get pissed off and work up that scowl that scares the bad guys. Also helps tone the over-hanging brow.

101 Seconds to leave the Rogaine on the scalp. Use as directed.

101 Licks it is rumoured to take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. It actually only takes One for J.S. due to his tongue reportedly being equally bad-ass as the rest of him.

101 Sport Jacket, Jeans and T-Shirt combos. Never catch Statham out on the town without the classed up 21st century pimp look.

101 Times hes been asked when he is going to do another movie as good as Snatch.

Post em if you got em......

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Breaking News

Hollywood, CA. Just announced yesterday, in one of the biggest movie franchise mergers in history, Jason Statham will be starring in a new film scheduled to begin production in late 2010. The new film is reported to be a smash up of Statham's other high grossing films to be the end-all-be-all action flick. The working title "Transporter of Death: All Cranked Up" was leaked by an industry top official who claimed that "there will be a lot of driving, crashing and fighting... And probably some sex."
Script details were vague but we did find out the plot will include Statham driving a hitman to a contract killing in post apocalyptic Canada while piloting an armoured and weaponized vehicle. The hitman will also have injected Statham's charecter with a toxin that makes him have to jumpstart his heart every so often with adrenalin.
Currently up for grabs is the lead female role, who could be written in as a competing assasin driving to kill the same person as Statham's hitman. Top of the list is Evangeline Lilly from tv's "Lost."
With the success of the Transporter and Crank series along with Statham's 2008 hit "Death Race" we are sure that the movie-going public will flock to theaters to check out this thrill ride.
Jason Statham was unable to comment on this news, but we expect a huge media campaign to begin early 2011.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Evolution of Statham

This is good... but something is missing. What do you think?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Uncle Jason Says

...never use sunblock over 15spf because it will clot up in your chest hair and you dont want to look like you bath in cottage cheese. Especially while crusing for trim at the beach.

...always put salt in your eye. If you don't I'll kick your fucking ass.

...instead of the old cliche for affirmative "Does the Pope wear a funny hat?" We will now be saying "Should the name Jason Statham be changed to Mr. Awesomeness?"

...this isn't 5 0'clock shadow. It is 8am shadow and it stays like this all day because I tell it to.

...I never wished for X-Ray vision because I could always see the girls' underwear after it dropped to the floor whenever I was near.

...If I kicked your ass in the woods and noone was there to hear you cry like a little bitch, you will still have cried like a little bitch. I guarantee it.

...I will never play a sensitive role in a film because killing people is insensitive in most people's eyes.

...I auditioned for the part of Neo in the Matrix. I didn't take the part because I found out all of the fighting was in some make believe world created by computers that was only in your mind and I wasn't really going to be kicking anyone's ass. Lame.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Roles Jason Stathom Should Have Played

One boring movie after another have lead me to believe that many poorly written/filmed/acted/publicized movies could have been drastically improved by the swagger and accent of one Jason Statham.

We get the ball rolling with:

1. From Justin to Kelly – Did anyone see this? My eyes burn a little thinking about it.

Instead I offer:

From Jason to Kelly – The film opens with Kelly on stage at “North American Superstar” with a British dude ragging on her singing, a black dude saying he would “tap that”, and a coked-out hooker giving them both hand-jobs. As one single tear rolls down her face, Jason breaks in through the roof and onto the judges table. He proceeds to break out his junk and get some head while repeatedly ninja kicking the other two. It only gets better from there.