Saturday, October 3, 2009

Uncle Jason Says

...never use sunblock over 15spf because it will clot up in your chest hair and you dont want to look like you bath in cottage cheese. Especially while crusing for trim at the beach.

...always put salt in your eye. If you don't I'll kick your fucking ass.

...instead of the old cliche for affirmative "Does the Pope wear a funny hat?" We will now be saying "Should the name Jason Statham be changed to Mr. Awesomeness?"

...this isn't 5 0'clock shadow. It is 8am shadow and it stays like this all day because I tell it to.

...I never wished for X-Ray vision because I could always see the girls' underwear after it dropped to the floor whenever I was near.

...If I kicked your ass in the woods and noone was there to hear you cry like a little bitch, you will still have cried like a little bitch. I guarantee it.

...I will never play a sensitive role in a film because killing people is insensitive in most people's eyes.

...I auditioned for the part of Neo in the Matrix. I didn't take the part because I found out all of the fighting was in some make believe world created by computers that was only in your mind and I wasn't really going to be kicking anyone's ass. Lame.

5 comments:

  1. ...a little axe can cut down a big tree. Or I could karate chop it and save us all some time.

    ...be careful what you wish for. I might just want it, which means I'm going to take it from you.

    ...beggers can’t be chooser. I wouldn't know, I’ve never begged for anything in my life.

    ...Believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see. I guess I'll have to kick a hole in your chest if you won’t believe me.

    ...Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll eat forever. I hate fish... you better give me your fucking sandwich.

    ...Good things come in small packages. Great things come in big hairy brits.

    ...Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself but talent instantly recognizes genius. Move over Einstein

    ReplyDelete
  2. ...Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion... I am passionate about kicking your ass....

    ...Persistence is the twin sister of excellence. One is a matter of quality; the other, a matter of time... and it's only a matter of time before I kick your ass.....

    ...It is a puzzling thing. The truth knocks on the door and you say, 'Go away, I'm looking for the truth.' and so it goes away. Puzzling.... "Hey, what's that over there?"... **KICK**

    ... The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it..... that's why I act.

    ... If it were not for the company of fools, a witty man would often be greatly at a loss..... ummm what?.... Say that to my fucking face!

    ReplyDelete
  3. ...truth is in the eye of the beholder.... I'll see that your eye gets delivered to county general with the rest of your body parts.... don't talk shit....

    ...a bird in the had is worth 2 nights in your mom's bush...

    ...to sleep is to dream... of being Jason Statham......

    ...a fool and his money will soon part ways..... good thing you saw the matinee of Transporter...

    ReplyDelete
  4. We fear what we don't understand. All I fear is why you don’t own all my movies.

    We learn little from victory, much from defeat. Your about to learn more then you could possibly imagine.

    What children say, they have heard at home. If I had kids, they would say you’re a pussy.

    What you do to others will bear fruit in you. I’m pretty sure I’m not full of ass-whoopin fruit.

    The best cure for a short temper is a long walk. Or, you could just whoop some major ass and get it out of your system.

    The best things in life are $9.50 for the matinee and $20.00 for the DVD.

    The devil finds work for idle hands. I wonder who handles my feet because that mutherfucker is busy.

    The early bird catches the worm. The baddest man on the planet doesn’t sleep, so in all actuality the bird is getting my sloppy seconds.

    The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world. But remember, that hand is connected to an ass that I could kick so who’s the boss now?

    The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything… usually being the key word in the sentence. I make millions bitch.

    The old law about an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind. That is, unless I’m trading you someone else’s eye for yours.

    The second word makes the quarrel. That’s why I let my feet talk and end that shit.

    Often, less is more. Unless it’s less of me and then you’re a dumb-ass.

    One good turn deserves another. Too bad I turned your head around on you neck and you don’t get a turn.

    One man's beard is on fire; another man warms his hands on it. Then I pushed the other man into the dude with the beard and started a camp fire for smoors. Damn I love those things.

    One step at a time. That’s just enough footing to launch into a flying roundhouse kick.

    One who steals from Jason Statham has no right to complain if he is robbed, beaten, violated, chained up in a basement, ritualistically tortured, burned, treated for burns, burned again, starved… well, you get the point, you don’t want to rob Jason Statham.

    People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, elbows, people, atomic knees, or flying jump kicks. Go with plexiglass. That way everyone can see your ass-whoopin awesomeness and you don’t break shit.

    ReplyDelete
  5. uncle statham says thou shall not kill.... well unless you're me and... they probably deserved it

    ReplyDelete