One boring movie after another have lead me to believe that many poorly written/filmed/acted/publicized movies could have been drastically improved by the swagger and accent of one Jason Statham.
We get the ball rolling with:
1. From Justin to Kelly – Did anyone see this? My eyes burn a little thinking about it.
Instead I offer:
From Jason to Kelly – The film opens with Kelly on stage at “North American Superstar” with a British dude ragging on her singing, a black dude saying he would “tap that”, and a coked-out hooker giving them both hand-jobs. As one single tear rolls down her face, Jason breaks in through the roof and onto the judges table. He proceeds to break out his junk and get some head while repeatedly ninja kicking the other two. It only gets better from there.
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Karate Kid – While some would argue that this is a classic, I would respond by saying it would be legendary if Jason Statham played Daniel-san. I think it would have been a much shorter movie though, as Daniel-san would have whooped up on those Cobara-Kai dipshits in the first scene. He could also have started as Mr. Miagi and stole Daniel-san’s trim.
ReplyDeleteTwilight - Jason Statham has a secret......... he turns into a shirtless, barrell chested monster at night........ you can't look at him in the sunlight because his stardom will blind you........ he goes to this highschool out in the middle of nowhere in Washington just to pick up on 18 yr old cheerleaders. He hooks up with the everpresent "could be prom queen" who just needs to do something with her hair. He buys some wooden clogs, kicks the chest out of 50 pussy ass vampires, then.... right when everything seems like it's climaxed..... the girl tells him she loves him..... he says, "fuck that, I'm not nailing the same chick for the rest of my life" and disappears into the mist........
ReplyDeleteDaddy Day Care - Statham would have been able to flex his comedic skills here as well as his muscles. One ass whooping a piece for those little brats (in a funny manner of course so as not to offend...like with a fruit roll up or something) and they would have all sat on the couch eagerly waiting for their parents to pick them up. Vin Deisel tried this in that piece of shit "The Pacifier" and the kids walked all over him. I'm tired of seeing dads get mistreated. I want to see them kick some youngster ass.
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